woops

amazing how lazy i can get sometimes.
Thanksgiving was good--lots of food and just my little family.
Well, my sister's boyfriend came, but they're pretty much attached at the hip these days so it wasn't unexpected. Also he's kind of a blender--he just sort of sits back and doesn't say too much so it is easy to imagine he's just part of the woodwork I guess. He's supposed to spend christmas with us too this year.
I told the boy (my boy, who is so not my boy, obviously, since he is leaving me and not looking back in a little over a month now, but who I persist on still thinking of and treating as though everything were hunky dory and we were totally going to be together longer than six weeks. I'm such an ass) about how Mr. woodwork is going to come to christmas and he was sort of amazed--probably because in the recent past its seemed like our relationships (my sister and her bf and the boy and mine) have been rather parallel, but obviously they are not at this point--I'd like to think maybe he was feeling a little left out but I think he was really just thinking "what is Mr. Woodwork doing breaking in on their christmas?"
It was a weird weekend because of our whole odd dynamic--I didn't hear from the boy until late in the day on Saturday (I don't call him anymore--its a rule of mine that I doubt he knows about--so I hadn't heard from him since thanksgiving). He was hung over but we were supposed to be having dinner with a bunch of friends of his. I suppose they are my friends too--but honestly this time around it didn't really feel like it. Maybe it was just the state of mind I was in, but it felt like a lot of pulling back, a lot of "she's walking the plank there boys watch out"--I didn't say much and kept contemplating getting completely blitzed, but I didn't really have the guts to do it. He stayed in town with me and hung out on Sunday and maybe he got the hint that I was feeling like I had the plague--he kept trying to be comforting and at the same time avoiding the subject.
I kept wondering, all day--did we have things in common? Were there things that I thought were indispensable about us? Not about him, but about the combination of the two of us? I know he is singular and unique and wonderful (in his special special-ness...haha but really) but why do I think that he belongs with me? Do I even think that any more?
I can't figure it out. I feel like I've been through my stages of grief on this--bargained and made lists and cried a hell of a lot for so many different reasons--and he is still here and I can't quite figure out where to go from here. sometimes I just wish he would leave already I guess so I can get on with what is next. And all the time part of me is scared about what is next because I know him and I don't want him to go, even if I can't figure out what it was about us that I used to think was worth mourning.